1) Money- not enough of it/that it might run out/that I might be forced to make a big purchase
2) Parents- that the might get ill/that they spend too much/drink too much/don't do what I want
3) Health- that I might get ill/am too fat/am mad
4) Happiness- that I would never be happy/don't deserve it etc
........ and so on and so on.....
It seemed to me that worrying; actively ruminating on my problems- questioning whether I was doing the right thing and searching searching my brain for a possible solution was the ONLY option and that it was helping in some way. What I have learnt and as echoed from my fellow former worriers is that actually this is complete and utter rubbish. The truth about worrying is:
Your thoughts within the parameter of your brain will never have any impact on your problem.
You heard me; your thoughts alone will never solve your problem. Never. It's time to see the futility of worrying, my friend. But don't despair- there is a way out but I just want to explain why this is the case before we get into the solution. The thing is, worrying is essentially mental control- trying to control or change your circumstance by using thought and in my experience;
a) Applying pressure to think my way out of a problem rarely works, if ever. Its a bit like expecting yourself to be able to write a piece of music with a gun to your head; its just too hard and punishing.
b) My brain very rarely provides a decent solution on its own- it needs outside stimulation and help.
c) Everything is changing all the time, without me doing anything at all. This is the biggie- people change their mind, new policies are introduced, things I want to buy are reduced, my boiler only needs a washer to fix it, my ex comes back begging for forgiveness, my child recovers quickly from a cold. Often times problems simply go away by me doing nothing at all because the whole world is changing and moving all the time. Often, when I start trying to control circumstances by worrying and then taking fear-based action, I actually meddle with this and it has adverse effects.
So- what's the solution to worrying? It comes with practise, but once I gave it a go and it worked, I felt more confident about trying it again.
1) Catch yourself worrying; be gentle but say "Hey Lovely, you are worrying again, lets not do that right now".
2) Go somewhere and take your mind off the problem- go to the cinema, take a long walk, go to a coffee shop, go to the gym, go for a massage. If none of these are possible- skip straight to step 3. If you find the worry keeps trying to come in again, repeat Step 1.
3) Talk to someone about your problem (call them or in person). Ask them just to listen and to share with you when they have been in a similar situation and what they did about it. Ensure you pick a safe person for this- someone who won't fix you or be annoyed that you are worrying.
4) Commit to taking some loving action that deals with the anxiety. Notice I said the anxiety, not the problem. Its the worry and the anxiety that is often the main inhibiting factor, not the problem itself. Commit to taking deep breaths, commit to closing your eyes and relaxing every muscle, opening and closing your fists, sipping herbal tea, repeat a loving mantra like "I can deal with whatever life throws at me".
5) Take that loving action.
6) See what happens- you may find an idea pops in your head, your problem vanishes, you hear something on TV that helps, your friend gives you a solution to try. I know this sounds counter intuitive but it does work!
Give it a try!
